Happy Easter.

When I was a kid I loved Easter. Just like any commercial holiday I loved Easter for all the wrong reasons. I loved it because of the Easter Bunny.

Every year my parents would hide an Easter basket full of candy somewhere around the house. My brother and myself would search behind the couch, under the bed, behind the computer desk, practically everywhere until we found it. Then we would gorge ourselves on chocolate bunnies, juicy jelly beans and pastel m&ms.

Like any good Christian holiday it has been taken over by the candy companies to sell commercial items in the form of bunnies and baby chicks. Peeps were always my least favorite Easter candy and it still really freaks me out when I meet someone who really loved peeps as a kid. What I did love about peeps was putting them in the microwave and watching them explode. Very messy, but very cool. My mom stopped buying peeps after that.

Not that I mind. I'm not a Christian person, but Jesus is a fascinating character from history. But just like during Christmas when Santa Clause gets more love, during Easter the Easter Bunny reigns supreme. He hops around hiding his eggs or baskets for all the children to hunt and find then devour with delicious fury.

There were times when we cooked hard boiled eggs then colored them with egg coloring kits bought from the drug store. Egg coloring was simple at first, but later turned into an art form. Dipping just the top to turn it one color, then the bottom another color, then the sides so that you have a multi-colored amazing egg that looked to good to eat.

Of course growing up we also participated in Easter dinner with the family. I'm sure there were times that we went to church then met up with everyone to eat, yet there were also times that we didn't go to church and just went to eat.

I remember some Easter's going to my grandparents house, and some Easter's going to my Aunt and Uncle's house. The thing I remember most is eating Easter ham. Ham and eggs. If yo would dye those eggs green you would have a Dr. Seuss Easter.

Later, when I was in college and couldn't make it home for the Easter holiday, we would get together with some people and go out to Outback Steak House for a big cut of prime rib to celebrate the resurrection of Christ. A good way to celebrate any holiday really, except Thanksgiving of course.

But the thing I remember most and makes me feel sad about being old are those Easter mornings with Jeremy searching for our Easter baskets. Thinking about it now I can clearly see why I was such a fat child. Candy for Easter, cake for my birthday, candy for Halloween, pie for Thanksgiving, candy, cookies and pie for Christmas, milkshakes for New Years, more candy for Valentine's day, beer on St. Patrick's day and all over again year after year.

Well, at least it was fun until I started wanting to have sex. Then I realized how unattractive I was. But if I had a time machine, I would go back and tell my younger self that it doesn't matter. Just eat all you want. Fat or thin you'll never be attractive and the whole thing is just one big joke, so just enjoy your obesity, heart disease, clogged arteries and not being able to fit through doors or in a chair at the movies or on a plane.

Just do us one favor in return. Don't smoke. And invest in a really nice plastic woman, because those sex robots you thought were right around the corner or in fact not around the corner.

Happy Easter!